At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
