Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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