***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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