when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
