So drunk its hurt
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
