You really coming over, don't trick.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
