i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
