I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
