The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
