went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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