i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
