I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
