My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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