Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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