Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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