I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
