she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
