come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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