Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize