Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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