take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
