Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
