My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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