so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
