I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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