I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
