I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
