The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
