A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
