I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
