I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
