just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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