Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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