I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
