Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
