69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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