Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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