i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
