All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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