This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
