i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
