New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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