dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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