Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
