I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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