She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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