Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
