if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
