You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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