So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
