I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
