I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
