he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
